my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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