is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
