The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
