i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
