Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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