my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
