I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
