how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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