she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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