i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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