bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
