he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
