man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
