If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
