im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
