I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
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