i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
