That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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