Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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