I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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