How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
