Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
