Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
