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just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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