Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
