im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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