You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
