this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
