Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm getting married
To pizza
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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