On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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