I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
