Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
