his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
