This is not my ceiling
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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