i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
