i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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