Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
