I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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