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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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