There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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