a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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