It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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