Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
