I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
