please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
