Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
