Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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