I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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