I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
