tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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