he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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