If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
