we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
