It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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