Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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